


Lost in My Head

by PenisParkerMan



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Personal Growth, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-01-13 15:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18471583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenisParkerMan/pseuds/PenisParkerMan
Summary: Cyrus Goodman has done it again. He has yet another crush on one of his straight friends, TJ Kippen. Little does Cyrus know, TJ  might not be as straight as he thinks he is. Cyrus and TJ tend to get lost in their heads and are having trouble bringing their thoughts to the surface. When they are finally able to say whats on their minds, will it all back fire or will a new relationship build?





	1. Today is the Day

**CYRUS’ POV**

Today is the day. Today is the day that I, Cyrus Goodman, will come out to thee, TJ Kippen. I plan to meet him at the swings later and tell him. I have calculated three possible outcomes. Number one, he is repulsed by it and stops being my friend. Number two, he accepts me for who I am and our friendship continues like nothing ever happened. Now number three is a long shot, but a possibility at the least. I come out to him and he comes out to me. I know… impossible. There isn’t a universe out there where scary basketball guy TJ Kippen is gay. He exudes straight guy energy. You can literally smell the straight on him. Or maybe that’s just sweat. 

Why did I have to go and get yet another crush on a straight guy? Did I not learn anything from the epic failure that was my crush on Jonah Beck? At this point I swear I just love torturing myself. I haven’t told Andi and Buffy about my crush on TJ yet, but I feel like apart of them knows. Well a part of Buffy. Andi isn’t really one to figure things out. Her obliviousness is actually quite impressive. Nowhere near Jonah, but still impressive. She has a lot going on and tends to get caught up in herself. Which is fine by me. This isn’t really something I want to admit or talk about. 

Everyone around me is entering relationships and I feel like I am being left behind. It’s hard being young and gay. For all I know, I am the only homosexual that resides in Shadyside. Statistically speaking that is impossible, but you know what I mean right? 

“Helloooooooo, Earth to Cyrus!” Buffy says waving a hand in front of my face. “Where did you go?”

“Buffy, I have no idea what you are talking about.” I try to say this as nonchalantly as possible, but Buffy’s raised eyebrow tells me I have failed.

“You have been spacing out a lot lately.” Andi chimes in. I look between the both of them and they are giving me that look. The look that says, ‘ _ You’re not telling us something and we know it _ .’

“I have just had a lot on mind lately is all guys. Nothing to worry about.” Buffy looks like she is about to say something, but I don’t give her the chance. “Hey Andi, how are things with Bex and Bowie? Is the wedding still on?” 

“They have decided to wait. Bex has it in her head that once they are married that things will be different and I just don’t understand her logic. They love each other and that should be enough… buuuuuut no. They always have to go and make things complicated!” Once you get Andi going there is no stopping her. I pretend to listen to Andi’s rambling, but I can feel Buffy’s stare on me like daggers piercing through the thin fabric of my lies. I shift my eyes toward her. She shakes her head and focuses her attention on Andi now. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.

“I have to go.” I stand up abruptly and grab my bag. I can’t tell them I am going to meet TJ without letting it slip that I like him. I am not ready for them to know just yet. “Sorry guys, just realised my mother wanted me home early to help her on her new scrapbooking project she’s started and you know how she can get.” I avoid Buffy’s stare and practically run out of the Spoon. The cold air hitting me hard like a wall of ice. 

What am I doing?! I should just tell them. Buffy and TJ made up, so that’s not an issue. Andi is cool with TJ as well, but I just can’t completely admit it to myself yet. Once I say it out loud it becomes real. Not just thoughts floating around in my head. 

I make my way towards the park. So many thoughts are racing through my head. When I make it to the swings I sit down with a sigh. I’m gripping that chains so hard my knuckles go white. My legs dangle off the swing and I just stare at the ground. What are you going to do Cyrus?

“Yooooooooo, Underdog!” My head whips up insanely fast at recognition of the voice calling my attention. I turn toward the voice and there he is. Walking towards me with a smile that would make anyone melt. I put on a fake smile and give him a wave. He stops and his smile drops. “What’s wrong?” I should have known he’d see through it. He always does.

“How do you do that?” I feel the swingset move a little as he sits on the swing next to me.

“How do I do what?” He asks, one eyebrow raised.

“Know when I am upset.” I look at him and our eyes lock. His green eyes practically stare into my soul and I feel as if he can see all of who I am. He breaks our stare and looks up at the sky.

“Well you always have this positive energy. When I am around you I can’t help but to be positive too.” Why does he have to say things like that? Doesn’t he know what he is doing to me? “And right now you don’t have that positive energy. If that makes any sense.” He starts playing with his hands in his lap and his eyes don’t leave the horizon.

“Yea TJ, that makes perfect sense.” He stops playing with his hands and turns to look at me again. 

“So… what’s wrong? Does it have to do with why you asked me to meet you here?” Alright Cyrus, it is now or never. I take in a deep breath trying to find my words.

“Yes.” Was all I could muster. I am so pathetic. I have practice this a thousand times with my dinosaur figures, but they don’t have perfect green eyes to get lost in. He just stares at me and is waiting for me to continue, but I can’t. I can’t continue.

“If you don’t want to tell me you don’t have to. I won’t be mad at you. Just know I am here when you want to talk.” He says resting his hand on my shoulder. The warmth of his palm takes some of the edge off. We just stare at each as I process my thoughts. His hand never leaving my shoulder. 

“No.” I close my eyes to stop the tears that are trying to escape them and take a deep breath. I jump off the swing and turn towards him. He looks up at me in both confusion and understanding. My palms start to sweat and my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest.

“No?” he asks with a tilt of his head. I focus on my feet and feel the words ready to burst out.

“I...I’m gay.” I close my eyes and wait for his reaction. Please don’t hate me. Please. I hear him get up from the swing and next thing I know his arms are around me. I am entrapped by the warmth of his hug. I don’t hug back at first, but I slowly raise my arms up and place them around his waist. The tears that I had been holding in flood from my eyes. It feels as if time has stopped and TJ and I are are the only two people in the world. 

“Your tears are soaking through my sweatshirt Underdog.” He chuckles.

“I’m sorry.” I croak. 

“You don’t have to apologize. I don’t mind it.” I feel him tighten his grip around me. I do the same and nuzzle my face into his chest. “I’m glad you saw me as a good enough friend to share this with.” My eyes snap open and I am pulled right back into reality. Friend. TJ and I are just friends. Good friends. Nothing more. I let go of him and he does the same. He is smiling at me completely unaware of the ache in my chest. 

“Of course I see you as a good enough friend TJ. You are one of my best friends.” His face lights up at my words. I’d rather have him as a friend then to not have him at all. 

“I was just such an asshole when we first met and I don’t know… I just don’t feel like I don’t deserve to have you as a friend.” TJ says as he scratches the back of his neck.

“TJ.” I don’t even know how to respond to this. The fact that he’d even think that breaks my heart. 

“I’m sorry. You just came out to me and here I go making it about myself.” He chuckles. Something in his eyes looks off. Is he really okay with me being gay? “So you’re gay huh?” he asks, his voice flat.

“Yup.”

“Any guys that you like?” Shit. Now why did he have to go and ask that? I can’t come out and confess to him in the same day. That’s just too much for my weak little body. I’m pretty sure I’d explode.

“No. There isn’t any guys I like at the moment.” TJ frowns and then nods. Why is he frowning? Why am I questioning everything? I’m so annoying I can’t even stand to hear my own thoughts! 

“Well don’t go and get a crush on me now.” He laughs. Yet again unaware of the pain he is putting me through. I am making him uncomfortable and he’s too nice to tell me. Did he just hug me out of pity? I just stare at him unable to mask the hurt in my eyes. He notices my silence at his “joke” and stops laughing. “Shit that was insensitive huh? Fuck. TJ Kippen is a master at saying the wrong things.” 

“It’s alright TJ and don’t worry… that won’t ever happen.”

* * *

 

**TJ’S POV**

What in the actual fuck are you doing Kippen? Everytime I go to speak the right words just get lost in my head and I always say something wrong. Cyrus looks so uncomfortable. I can’t believe I said that to him. There is so many things I could say. For example. ‘ _ No problem Underdog! And hey, I think I might be gay too because everytime I look at you I can’t help but to smile and my heart beats uncontrollably.’  _ Instead my dumbass goes and says something like that. 

“TJ?” Cyrus says my name as if he is unsure. Almost as if he is scared. “I should be getting home. My mom has dinner ready by 7:30 and if I am not there she goes completely ballistic.” He says with a fake laugh. I should say something to make him stay. To make him feel better. To make this right. To make the awkwardness go away.

“No problem Underdog!” I really am useless. Come on Kippen. Say something right. “See ya tomorrow at school Underdog.” That wasn’t right. Cyrus gives me another fake smile as I give him one of my own. He turns and starts to walk away. Goddammit Kippen. Go after him. He probably thinks you’re acting weird because he’s gay. This is what I meant when I said I don’t deserve to be his friend. And yet a part of me wants to be more than friends. What makes me think I deserve that? 

My legs can’t move and Cyrus walks further and further away as I just stand there. Completely frozen. Then he looks back at me and our eyes lock. I can’t quite read his expression. He quickly looks away and keeps walking. I sit back down on the swing and just stare at my feet. I can’t believe I just let him walk away. He looked so sad and I am the one to blame. 

The cold breeze hits my back like needles. I look down and see where Cyrus’ tears soaked my sweatshirt. It took so much for him to come out to me and I reacted so poorly. I just didn’t know what to do. At first the hug felt right. Like it was the right thing to do in that situation, but then I started to think about my own feelings and things started to go wrong. Maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that me and Cyrus would never work out. He just makes me so happy and I just want to do the same for him. The only way for him to be happy is for me to be out of his life. He doesn’t need someone like me. Someone who is filled with negative energy. He is so positive and so pure and I just ruin everything. I refuse to ruin him. I won’t allow it. 

Sometimes I wish I just liked girls. I thought I did. Maybe I do. I don’t know. Cyrus came along and now everything is so confusing. I am so lost.

  
  



	2. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy and Andi confront Cyrus. Meanwhile TJ makes his decision. WARNING: MILD CHILD ABUSE

CYRUS’ POV

I don’t want to see TJ today at school. My heart can’t take it. When he hugged me it felt like everything was going to be alright. For a split second I even dared to think he might like me. The way he hugged me felt a little more than just a friendly hug, but like always I was wrong.

Buffy texted me last night and told me to meet her and Andi at the Spoon. She probably wants to talk about yesterday when I flat out lied to them and then blew them off. Honestly surprised she didn’t call me last night to talk about it. She probably just wants to yell at me in person. That girl loves seeing the fear people have in their eyes when she tells them off. She said it gives her a rush. 

I walk into the Spoon fully ready to get my head yelled off. Andi and Buffy are seated next to each other in a booth and I sit across from them. Andi gives me a soft smile and Buffy just glares. These two got the whole good cop bad cop thing down. I feel both welcomed and terrified at the same time. 

“Cyrus.” Buffy says. Her upset stare not faltering. Not even when I give her my best smile and that usually always works. My family dentist, Dr. Garfinkle, has done a fantastic job and it shows. “What is going on with you? And don’t you dare try and change the subject this time. Me and Andi won’t let you. Isn’t that right Andi?” Buffy turns towards Andi who gives a determined nod in response. 

“When I tell you guys, promise me you won’t overreact.” Andi gives me a reassuring smile and Buffy rolls her eyes waiting for me to continue. “I have a crush on TJ.” I quickly whisper. No one else is really at the Spoon but a part of me is always on guard when I talk about stuff like this.

“Wait that’s it?! That’s all this is?! Cyrus you had me worried!” Buffy looks both annoyed and relieved at the same time. 

“What do you mean ‘ _ That’s it’ _ ?”

“Cyrus we have know about TJ for a while now.” Andi softly states. “Buffy figured it out before me, but when he showed up to your Bubbe Rose’s shiva was when I figured it out. Your face lit up Cyrus. You looked so happy to see him.” She says as she reaches across to table to grab my hand. I can’t believe I didn’t tell them sooner. This whole time I could have been confiding in my friends but instead I chose to keep this from them. For a split second I feel relieved, but then I remember what happened yesterday with TJ at the park.

“I think TJ hates me.” I say squeezing Andi’s hand. 

“What makes you say that?” Buffy asks. 

“I came out to him yesterday.” My eyes immediately start to tear up and I feel Buffy place a hand on top of mine and Andi’s. She gives it a tight squeeze and waits for me to continue speaking. “At first he hugged and thanked me for telling him. It was going great. Then he started acting really weird and asked if I like anyone. I lied and told him no and he joked and told me to not get a crush on him. I feel completely humiliated.” 

“Cyrus.” Andi practically whispers my name.

“He is such an ass. You should of listened to me when I told you to not be his friend.” Buffy huffed.

“Buffy now is not the time for  _ I told you so’s _ .” Andi says sternly. Buffy just rolls her eyes.

“TJ Kippen is nothing but a tool.”

“You’re wrong. He is a good and genuine person.” I say, my voice shaky. “He may just seem like a dumb athlete, but he isn’t. He cares so much. He cares about his team. He cares about doing better in math. He cares...cared about me…. I think.” My eyes are filled to the brim with tears but I refuse to let them fall. Buffy and Andi just stare at me until Buffy speaks.

“You should tell him you like him.” Buffy says under her breath.

“What did you say?” I have to make sure I heard her right because I am pretty sure I am hallucinating.

“I know damn well you heard me but I’ll humor you.” She says as she folds her arms across her chest. “You, Cyrus Goodman, should tell your idiot crush, TJ Kippen, that you like him.” She can’t help but to smile as she says this.

“He isn’t an idiot Buffy and he definitely isn’t gay. If I tell him I like him...he’ll be disgusted and not want to be my friend anymore.” 

“Cyrus, that would never happen.” Andi reassures me.

“Also what makes you say he isn’t gay?” Buffy asks.

“Have you seen him? He’s as straight as it gets. He’s the captain of the basketball team for crying out loud.” I say as I throw my hands in the air.

“I have seen him and from what I have observed...I don’t think he’s as straight as you think.” Buffy gives me one of those looks that says ‘ _ Don’t fight me on this Goodman’ _ .

“Whenever I see you two together he has this twinkle in his eye. It’s kind of cute.” Andi giggles while Buffy gags in response. Could TJ like boys? 

 

TJ’s POV

I like boys...I like boy? Fuck. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I feel so weird. Like I have changed somehow. Like I am different. I’m the captain of the basketball team. I can’t...I can’t be… I can’t be his friend anymore. Cyrus is a great friend, but he confuses me. That’s all this is. He’s too good a person to be friends with someone like me anyway.

I acted so terribly when he came out to me. He confided in me...trusted me and I let him down. He deserves a friend who will give him what he needs. Someone who knows how to be a good friend. And that someone isn’t me.

School starts in 30 minutes. I hope I don’t run into him. Avoiding him would be best. As I walk up to school I stare at my feet so my eyes don’t scan the area for Cyrus. Oh shit my shoe is untied. I bend down to tie my shoe and as I do this I notice a growing shadow. Eventually that shadow is right in front of me. I know that shadow. I look up and I see him. Cyrus.

“Good morning Teej.” Cyrus says through a forced smile. I slowly stand up. My eyes never leaving him and his eyes never leaving me. 

“I guess.” I say kind of stand offish. A part of me hopes he’ll just stop trying to talk to me, but the part of me that knows Cyrus knows that highly unlikely.

“I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.” He says, his eyes sad while his mouth is still shaping a smile.

“What about it?” I monotonically ask.

“Can we go somewhere private?” He sounds scared. I made him feel this way.

“Yea whatever.” I say as a turn away from him and start to walk to the back of the school. I hear Cyrus following behind me. He doesn’t attempt to walk by my side. I love walking beside him. I always get so warm inside when our shoulders accidentally touch. 

When we make it to the back of the school I stop and turn around. Cyrus is still slowly walking towards me with his head down. He looks up at me when he gets closer and looks as if he’s thinking about what to say.

“Does me being gay make you uncomfortable?” He says with his eyes locked on mine. I look away from him and close my eyes.

“Yes.” I open my eyes but I dont turn back to look at him. I can’t see his face, but I know my answer has hurt him.

“Look at me.” He says, his voice shaky. Shit I hope he isn’t crying. I don’t want to see him cry. “TJ I said look at me!” He shouts. My head slowly turns towards him and I finally look at him. His face is red and his eyes are flowing with tears. He is breathing heavy as he stares at me. I don’t know what to say so just say nothing. “I have been nothing, but supportive of you.” He starts to say. He swallows hard before continuing. “No matter what you did I supported you. When you were mean to my best friend I still stood by you. I believed in you, but when I need the same you can’t give me that? You can’t give me support?” He sounds broken. I broke him. I have never heard him like this. Angry. Sad. Hurt. “Say something!” 

“I’m not...I’m not your friend Cyrus.” I didn’t think it was possible but I make him cry more. I start to feel a lump in the back of my throat, but I suppress the tears.

“That’s a lie. Why are you lying to me?!” He says as he grabs both my shoulders and gives me a hard shake. I swallow hard before I say my next words.

“I can’t be friends with somebody like you.” I can’t be friends with someone so pure and deserving of better. Better than me that is. He drops his hands from my shoulders. His body is shaking as he clenches his fists at his sides. He lets out a soft sob before he turns to runaway away from me. He’s free. I’m no longer a part of his life. My knees give out and I fall to my palms. The tears I had been holding back finally find their way to the surface. I shouldn’t be crying. Guys like me don’t cry. We don’t sob uncontrollably, but here I am on the ground behind the school sobbing like a baby. 

“Dude are you alright?!” I hear someone skateboarding up to me. I look up to find the soft green eyes of Jonah Beck. “TJ?” He says taken aback. I get off my hands and knees and take a sitting position. My body isn’t ready to stand.

“P-please… go-o….away.” I croak. Jonah sits down right infront of me. His eyes look worried but he gives me a warm and reassuring smile.

“I’m not really good with talking to people about feelings and all that stuff, but when I was having my panic attack you were the one to find me. You got me help. So I’m not gonna go away.” He continues to smile at me and my breathing finally steadies. Jonah Beck is the type of guy that makes you feel as if you can confide in him. 

“I think I like Cyrus.” I say surprising myself. Jonah doesn’t really react to my words.

“Well of course you do! You two are friends.” He chuckles as he shakes his head. 

“No.” He looks at me confused and I can tell he isn’t going to get it on his own. “I like-like Cyrus.” His eyes go big with realization, but his smile never leaves his face. 

“That’s cool man.” What? I just told Jonah Beck I have a crush on a boy and his response is….’ _ That’s cool man’ _ ? 

“No that’s not ‘cool man’” I say shaking my head. “I can’t be ga-I can’t….I’m the captain of the basketball team.”

“That you are.” Is this what talking to Jonah Beck feels like? It almost like I’m talking to an AI chatting site and I’m just given auto-generated replies. 

“I don’t think you understand.” I say slightly annoyed.”My family...my friends...if they knew...they, they wouldn’t...shit. They can’t know ok.”

“Why can’t they know?” Jeez this boy is something.

“I used to have this friend in elementary school. His name was Manny. Manny and I would always hold hands. We didn’t really think anything of it. We were just kids after all.” I say the lump in my throat starting to build again. “Well one day my dad was picking me up from school to take me to little league practice. When he drove up I was holding Manny’s hand. I hugged Manny goodbye and got into the car. My dad didn’t say anything to me and when we got to a secluded area he parked the car. Then he turned around and hit me.” Jonah looks shocked when I look up at him. “He hit me so hard it left a mark on my face. I didn’t end up going to little league practice that day.” I feel Jonah Beck’s hand reach up and touch my shoulder. He gives it a tight squeeze. “He’s only hit me that once.”

“I won’t tell anyone. Not even Cyrus. It’s your thing to tell anyway. Not mine.” He says as he smiles at me. His eye filled with reassurance. He stands up and the bell rings. “Come on. You don’t want to be late for class.” He extends a hand towards me. I grab it and stand up. Today has been one hell of a day.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike Cyrus, TJ doesn't really have anyone to talk. I've always wanted to see a Jonah-TJ friendship on the show so I 'd thought I'd make Jonah the person that TJ confides in. As of now, without Jonah, TJ is all alone.


	3. I Hate You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonah and TJ talk it out. All while Cyrus struggles to cope with how TJ has been acting.

**TJ’S POV**

  
I trail behind Jonah as we make our way to the front of the school. Before we turn the corner I stop and Jonah turns around to look at me. I run my hand through my hair and take a deep breath. My mind feels like it’s racing.

“You okay man?” Jonah asks. I look at him and shake my head in response.

“I don’t think I can do it.” I say breathing heavily. “School is the last place I want to be right now.”

“Ok then let’s skip!” Jonah says with this big goofy grin. “School will be there tomorrow. So today let’s go somewhere else!” My jaw falls open in shock.

“Jonah Beck plays hooky?” I say allowing a smile to reach my lips.

“Only for a good cause.” He chuckles. “So where do you want to go?”

“Well there is only one place to go when I feel like shit.” I start walking and Jonah follows me. We walk in silence, but it isn’t uncomfortable. It feels nice. It takes us about 10 minutes to make it where we are trying to go.

“You come to the park when you feel like crap?” Jonah asks.

“Swinging helps clear my head.” We make our way toward the swings and we both sit down. “Cyrus is the one that showed me this.” I say as I start to swing. “This is where it started.”

“Where what started?” I swear Jonah Beck only knows how to talk in the form of questions.

“This is where I started to like-like Cyrus. I found him here and he helped me with my stuff I had going on. He didn’t even know me and he still treated me like I was important. Like I was worthy of his time.” I say with a sad smile.

“He did the same with me.” My head snaps toward Jonah. “Cyrus is just that kind of a guy. He sees the good in everyone and knows how to make you feel special.” Jonah says this with a soft smile.

“Do you like Cyrus?” I ask. I hate how easily jealous I get, but I’ve seen the way Cyrus is around Jonah. Better safe than sorry I guess.

“Nah man. Cyrus is a cool dude and all but he’s just a friend.” He says as he nudges my shoulder. “You go nothin to worry about. Well with me that is, but now with you that’s a whole different story.”

“What do you mean?” I question.

“You’re scared.”

“I’m not scared.” I blurt.

“Yes you are. And I understand why.” Jonah says softly.

“You don’t understand anything.” Tears start to build up again in my eyes. Wow, I didn’t think I had anything left to cry.

“I know I come off as stupid and dense, and hey most of the time I actually am, but I can see when someone is hurting. I know what it feels like to hurt.” Jonah’s smile never leaves his lips as he speaks. “There is nothing wrong with you liking Cyrus. Now what is wrong is lashing out on him because you’re afraid of those feelings.”

“I don’t mean to hurt him. I just…. I’m trying my best to not to.” I say with a huge lump in my throat. “I want what is best for him.”

“What about what is best for both of you.” I never thought about it like that. Is there a solution that leads to us both being happy? “Feeling are difficult.” Jonah continues.

“Yeaaa” I sigh as I kick the ground beneath my feet. What should I do?

“You’re not a bad guy TJ. At first that’s what it seems like, but now that I have gotten to know you I see now that it’s all a front. You don’t have to be afraid of who you are man.” Jonah pats my back and continues to smile at me with his big goofy Jonah Beck grin.

“I think I’m going to tell Cyrus how I feel.”

“Really?” He asks. I nod in response. “Cool.”

 

**CYRUS’ POV**

  
TJ Kippen is a terrible person. I can’t believe I used to call him a friend. I can’t believe that I was interested in him romantically. It was foolish. I was foolish. I am foolish. Part of me, well most of me if I am being honest, is still hopelessly crushing on him and I hate it. I should hate him. Yet I can’t hate him. Not fully at least.

Things were easy before him. Well not easier per se. The way he makes me feel confuses the heck out of me! One second we are hanging out and just chilling like a couple of “bros”and then all of a sudden the mood changes. A hug that last a tad too long or a lingering high five. In those moments he gives me this look. A look no other boy has ever given to me. Not that it matters though. After today it is 100% obvious that TJ is straight.

‘I can’t be friends with somebody like you.’ Somebody like me? A part of me figured TJ was straight, even though I hoped he wasn’t, but I never thought he’d be homophobic. My head and my chest ache. Sitting in this English class is literally a nightmare. I’d skip if I didn’t have perfect attendance to keep up. No boy will ever come in between me and my attendance. Haven’t missed a day since preschool and I am not about to start because of a stupid broken heart. So I am going to pretend like I’m not miserable and sit through my classes, but come lunchtime I got a date with some tears and a bathroom stall. Only three more classes till lunch.

My final class before lunch comes to an end. I leave the classroom as soon as the bell rings. I’m the first one out of the door. As I exit and make my way into the halls, I make sure to keep my head down and dart to the bathroom. I do not know how much longer I can keep up the facade that I am okay.

“Cyrus?” My head snaps up and my eyes focus on a concerned looking Buffy. As soon as our eyes meet tears start to find their way down my cheeks. She immediately pulls me into a hug and ushers me into the gender neutral bathroom. She releases me from the hug to lock the door behind us. “What did he do?”

“Who?”

“Cyrus… now is not the time to be playing dumb. I know this is because of TJ. It’s always because of TJ.” She says harshly.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I snap.

“Ever since you met him he is all you can focus on. He is consuming you.” Buffy gives me this intense stare. Like she has been holding this in for a long time.

“You know… When Andi liked Jonah you encouraged her.” Well I too have been holding things in. That’s all I ever do.

“This is not the same.” She breathes.

“Yes it is!” I yell. Buffy’s eyes are wide in shock. Today is the most I have ever yelled in my life. “I get to like who I want. I get to get hurt by who I want. You and Andi always get to talk about your crushes freely. Do you know how hard it was for me to tell you that I like TJ? For you and Andi it’s simple. I don’t get simple. When I came out to you, you told me I was no different. So why are you treating me differently?”

“Cyrus… I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” Buffy pleads.

“It’s a little late for that Buffy.” I say this with an exhausted chuckle.

“TJ is not good for you Cyrus. He’s a bad guy and has done nothing but hurt you!” Buffy exclaims.

“All I want is support and understanding. The same thing you and Andi give each other when you guys have crushes.” Buffy adverts her gaze from mine and looks down at her feet.

“TJ hurt me, but Buffy… so did you.” Her head snaps back up and she looks at me. She opens her mouth as if she is about to say something, but I push past her and storm out of the restroom. Luckily no one is out in the halls currently. That would have been awkward and made this so much harder to deal with. Buffy calls after me as I get further and further away from her.

I know Buffy cares about me. She’s a great friend, but I feel like her and Andi always put my problems last. Most of the time I am fine with that, but enough is enough. I am tired of feeling like my feelings don’t matter. I understand TJ sucks, but they also don’t know him like I do. They would if they ever took the time to get to know him. My head is killing me… too many thoughts are going through my head right now. You think I’d be used to that by now.

I’m sorry perfect attendance. Today is the day where you become imperfect. Kind of fitting actually. Considering how today I have been a total 180 from my usual calm and collected self. School just seems like a million miles away right now and I just can’t do it anymore. I need to go to my swings to clear my head. That always helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late up date. I got busy and came down with some writers block. Enjoy!  
> (I'll try and get the next chapter uploaded soon)

**Author's Note:**

> The hiatus has been starving me so I thought I'd whip this up. I thought I'd start this off with Cyrus coming out to TJ and see where their relationship goes from there. I know it seems hopeless for them right now but we shall see where it goes. Well I hope y'all liked what I have so far.


End file.
